Friday, April 17, 2009
I currently have this weird bug in my urine that I am not even going to try to type out, I can't even say it. Anyways, To cure it, I need this one IV. Well it requires prior authorization from Medicaid to be able to administered to a patient, and well, I'm not authorized. It is the only thing that is going to kill it. This is how stupid the system is. I love being on socialized medicine. The Government really loves mess with a guy.
This is enough for a guy to go insane. I just can't take all the run around. I just have had enough of this, all of it. Having to have this kid of wheel chair instead of one that is smaller, easier to use and transport and flop up. You can only have these kids of medicines and if that doesn't work, well we are going to make you jump through hoops and hope that you don't get sicker or die while you wait for approval for the medicine that you need.
It is a shame that in the greatest country in the world in the state run health insurance program that they are willing to mess with someone's life in this sort of way. If this is what socialized medicine is forget it. This is the fours set of IV's I have been on this year. What is going to happen when I have to go on another one. Are they going to say that I have had enough and they are cutting me off. Where does it end with the government controlling my health.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
I was watching the show “House” from this Monday night. For those who don't know what it is, it's a TV show about a Doctor and his team who have to cure some of the weirdest things. Any ways, one of the team members who was on House's team shot himself. This hit me hard, mainly because I, over the past two years, have known what it is to feel like that. I have gotten that low due to the fact I feel like I have lost everything in life. I can't move my legs. It was this major event that dragged me down to that level. There where many days where I had wished that I had not have made it threw surgery because of what the alternative of parallelization posed to me.
Eventually, I got over that feeling for the most part. I do think about how things are now and how hard it is to do things when it was really simple before. It is hard to find the strength everyday to keep going. And that taking the easy way out would be the way to go. But I keep going. I know that there are some people have never walked and have had to deal with this all their lives. My argument to them is that they never know what they are missing out on if they never walked before.
Trying to get past that feeling was a hard and tenuous struggle at first, they tried anti-depressants. I gave up on those because of deep and abiding personal belief in facing and trying to deal with your problem rather that mask it, hide it, and pretend it's not there by medicating yourself. To try to hide the pain and sadness by using a crutch. If you don't face your problems, your problem is still going to be there and your are going to have to deal with it eventually.
Well guys, here was a little look into what it was like those first few week, and really the first months to year after surgery. Issue 3 will hopefully be in a week.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Let us deal with the second one first. I really have a obscure view on this because the experiences I have to go by is the few friends contact I have had, my family, and the employees here at the nursing home.
First the employees. It is hard to get a true read on them about how they feel about people in wheelchairs. For the most part they are sympathetic and you would have to be when you are around it most of the time you are at work. But even talking to them, they tell me when they have to put on the fake motivational and sympathy for those who really don't need their chairs and use it as a crutch. These people kind of also make me feel a little made. Mainly because of the fact that they have the ability to walk and use their legs and chose not to, but chose not to because they are lazy and would rather sit down. I would think with a facility full of people who can't walk, that they would be even more motivated to do so. What I wouldn't give to have some of these people's legs for an hour.
Second is how my family deals with me being in the chair. First this is God Bless them for trying and spending money to get me in the house, even for just a little while. My Mom and Dad go to great lengths to try to get me out of the nursing home and to make things as normal as possible. But sometime they go too far and try too much. There is no “too much” in their eyes, but I can see when they are going and trying too hard. Such as trying to modify other people's homes so I can go over for holiday like Easter, whom my sister-in-law is hosting this year. But I am more than happy to bow out because I know how much trouble it is around the nursing how or at home. I can't fault them for trying but if you try, it is that they try too hard.
Third are my friends. So far of my friends, they have been supportive. They write me letters, emails, phone calls, and such But I have found who my core friends are and who have fallen by the waist side. There were many who I thought were really good friends who now don't call or email me. But through these blogs and sites like Myspace.com, facebook.com, and twitter.com I have reconnected with people from the past and have old friends come back and give motivation when I need it and help cheer me up when I was down. Even come in and play some Taboo. Thank you my friends.
Now on to how I perceive the chair and me.
I have come to terms with the chair and being in it. I see it as an extension of me. It is my legs, method of movement. With that I know that I am pretty mu going to be in it for a long time. At first when I was in it, I thought as myself as a hospital patient who wasn't allowed up and being pushed around. But couple of weeks into it they started making me push myself around. It hurt and helped to build up my arm strength up. But it wasn't until recently, that I started to changed how I looked at ,or rather forget that the chair was even there.
I, over the last few months have been coming to grips with the whole not walking thing, and with people telling me that I should give up hope and that there may be a chance. Well I have looked into it. There are a few new things in stem-cell research but it is a long way off and for now, please can we all agree to stop it with the, “Oh, You can't give up hope that one day you might walk. You never know.” I know this and I am not giving up hope, but I am being a realist that for right now and the fore see-able future, I am not going to be walking and going to be in the chair for a while. So please can we stop with the hope talk of walking and just accept the situation like I have. It will make me and all of you better able to deal with and accept this life that I now have.
Now, what has really started to happen is when I am rolling around, I am aware that I am pushing myself around in the chair. But recently, I have been noticing that when I am doing something, like grabbing something and wheeling around my room. Mainly small things and while I am distracted or have my mind else where, I don't notice me pushing myself. I don't notice the chair. It seems it is becoming more and more apart of me. When I do notice after that, it hits me that I just didn't noticed it and get two feelings. One is a feeling of depression because no matter how much my life may feel normal -- I am still paralyzed. The second is sense of acceptance and amazement that this is happening to me. It is a level of disbelief and hard fact that this is actually happening and is likely to be for life.
It is very strange to get these feelings and not paying attention to pushing yourself and accepting your lot in life. I am going to be writing more about my perspective on “Life in a Wheelchair” and how I am adapting. Later guys.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I've hated my dreams since my surgery. It is always about things I can do or have, like walking, doing normal things I know I'll never be able to do again. They seem to drive me nuts. They seem so real. So real that I think I am in real like and real life is the dream. It is hell when you wake up and you're still in hell after having a dream of heaven. It just drives the depression deeper. I would go into them but I really don't think that many would understand them.
But lately I devised a way to make me realize they are dreams and not real. I make a flaw in them. I would make one of the people have a weird film over their face. Or when I go into a stairwell I shrinks down infinitesimally. It helps me to know that it isn't real and I can't get lost in it. This maybe counter productive to what dreams are supposed to do, but I am just done dealing in false realities and false hope.
Monday, January 26, 2009
On the go to therapy during the week. Nowhere on the weekends. Most of the time it feels like I am going nowhere and in a hurry. Just once I would like to stand up and put my pants on, wear a pair of shoes. Not have to roll around all day with twisted piss ridden clothes. Most people here say, “Oh, it's nothing. It happens other people all the time.” Well it has never happened to me before and it hurts – a lot. Sometime when I really wet my self I fell like breaking down and just...... I don't know. Let us just say it isn't pretty nor appropriate to put on here.
Some mornings it takes an hour to get ready, sometimes longer. It all depends on pain and mood. Sometimes I just want to lay there and just cry. To think, that this is going to be the way I am going to have to go through life for the rest of my life. It is really hard to handle that. But I hold back the tears. I dry my eyes and blow my nose and I go on. For no other reason than I have nothing else better to do right now than to jump through hoops and go to therapy that just somedays I feel isn't going anywhere.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Friday, January 09, 2009
What do you think America is?
How would define what America is? Is it the freedoms that we enjoy that other countries don't. Is it your freedom to speak your mind, worship the God you want, the freedom of the press to bring you the news of your country with out the pressure of the government telling them what to tell you. Is it your right to bare arms. Your right to personal protection of self and property. Is it the right to protect you against illegal search and seizure. The right to be innocent before being proven guilty. The right not to make your self guilty and to be tried in an open court by a jury of your peers, also the right to face your accuser. It is also reassuring to know that the punishment shall fit the crime and the is no cruel and unusual punishment. These are the rights prescribed by the Bill of Rights. Probably one of the most nation-shaping document next to the Constitution.
But what else makes America, America? Is it the you can go from being a low level income family to being college professor. That opportunity is out there for you to just wake up and grab. Look at what some people where able to do with the opportunity that was given to them.
There was Dave Thomas. He was born to adopted parents in Atlantic City, New Jersey. He never met his real parents. He worked in the restaurant business from the age of 12. He then went into the Army where he went to cooks and bakers school. Upon discharge he was given the opportunity to turn around a failing KFC. He did and caught the attention of Col. Sanders. With him, Thomas revamped the menu and help the revolutionized the fast food industry.
From there he went and founded Wendy's in Columbus, Ohio. It is now the third largest chain in the world be hind McDonald's and Burger King with 6,700 locations. All this from a high school dropout. Dave Thomas died Jan. 8, 2002.
Another master of opportunity is that of Bill Gates. I think we all know his story from Harvard drop out to founder of the most used operating system for computers on the planet. He revolutionized the operating system process and sold it to the masses. He also introduce the notion of licensing software to make money for software writers.
There are millions of others who have come from all other walks of lives to make themselves more than what they were. But is that all that makes America, America?
Is what makes America, America, is that we get to vote for our leaders. They are not permanently imposed on us, or under the guise of a dictatorship or socialist/communistic rule. We have open, public elections, in which now those who meet the minimum standards of being 18 years old, a registered citizen and not committed a felony and still under probation of see your parole officer. Though it wasn't ways like this. It was first just land owner who were white and over 21. It wasn't till we had the Civil War that blacks were allowed to vote. Then came the direct voting for Senators in 1913. Women didn't obtain the right to vote until 1920. Finally the age was lowered to 18 in 1971. As you can see, our voting history may not have been the fairest to the people in sense that some were excluded for so long, but the process, the electoral college is maybe the fairest and most argued process out there.
What the Electoral College is, is an indirect election. In elections, the college has pledge to place the electorates that state has for the popular choice in the general election. They don't have too. The Electoral College can vote for whom ever they want, but as stated, the pledge to vote the way of the people. There are many argument for and against the college, that we should use a direct popular vote. That it give too much clout to swing states. Those for the college state that it is the only fair way to do it because it give equal weight based on the population of a state. Without the college, most elections could be won with just campaigning in California, New York, Texas, Illinois, and Florida. There are many more arguments for and against, and we have all been over them and that is the great thing about America, is that we can question out leaders. If we don't like what they are doing we can elect someone else next time, and if they are doing are really horrendous job we can call for impeachment of for recall.
America is also a place where ideas can flow like a river in our free public school system and our colleges and universities. People from all over the world come here to learn. A great many of us take out educations here for granted and don't appreciate what we have here. Places of higher learning were we can go and advance ourselves. We have the best schools for engineering, law, medicine, computer science, and so on and so forth. Most of our schools are even state funded and there are grants, loans and scholarship of all kind available out there. We just have to have the will and the want to go look for them. If we only put forth the effort that foreigners do when they are in our education system then we wouldn't need a “No Child Left Behind” programs.
Let us not forget that America has its own dark chapters. The biggest and perhaps still prevailing is the civil rights issue. Though great strides this past year, as a black man has risen to the highest office in all the land. Still there is a great divide in this country. Then there is the treatment of the original Americans. We have persecuted, hunted, cheated and abused the rights of the Native American. No sin is greater than that. There has been many growing pains in America and not all of them have ended well. We have fought and scraped and even try to kill our selves from the inside-out with the Civil War. Perhaps we shall all have a time to fight in this country, let us hope it is not with each other again.
But for every evil dark time, there has been a gleaming ray of hope. The birth of the nation from upstarts who would not be controlled from a king 3000 miles away, and a founding President who took the title with the notion that he would set it aside and let other be elected to lead and no one shall ever rule this land. To a unified country that referred to it self as the The United States and the bulwarks of a government of, by and for the people remained intact. The creation of manned flight by the Wright brothers to Charles Lindberg's Atlantic trip. From John Glenn and Alan B. Shepard in there short space journeys to Neil saying “One step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Tl the invention of the microchip and the advent of Moore's law. We have either been the first in something or have done it the best.
America to me is all these things an more. More than I could express in any Online Blog, message forum or in any number of volumes of book if I were to ever write so much. America as I can best sum up is an idea of freedom and the good and the bad that goes with it. It will never be perfect. Nothing of man ever is. But it is the closest to the fairest and most revered. By the grace of any god that you may ascribe to or to which believe you have faith in, may it watch over the United States of America.
Now what do you think America is to you?
Thursday, January 08, 2009
I was telling her about these things, and she was like, "that's so cool. Maybe when they come out you can walk and be normal again. I'm not going to. I am done with that stuff."
I was like okay. Then she went on.
"Normal for me is living in the chair and everything. I have been doing it since I can remember. I never did walk like, so the chair is normal. 'Normal' for you is walking around and doing things. For me it is the chair and I am cool with it."
I wasn't sure how to react. First I was like, don't you want to be like everyone else and normal. That probably the pig headed part of me coming out. Then I thought about what she said. She had gotten used to this life, and she could see that I still haven't let go of what my life once was. That I was looking at these braces as a way back to normality.
So I guess when you look at "normal," it depends on where your normal is coming from. It is normal for a person who works in the coal mine who is living paycheck to paycheck to exist in that life. If you put someone like Paris Hilton in a situation where she has no money like she does and help in life like she does and she had to sink or swim, we can all see the brick sinking to the bottom of the pool. She would be crying, loudly at that too, to have everything go back to normal.
I guess everything is perception.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
As I go through life, I am confronted in many different situations. Most of them are simple and come to a quick and easy solution. Some are more complex. When this happens I run the who thing through an algorithm. An algorithm, as defined by Merriam-Webster Online, is defined as a step-by-step procedure for solving a problem or accomplishing some end especially by a computer. I'll sit there and break down every decision and every choice and reaction that might happen. This is what usually helps keep me out of trouble but it usually ends up with the safe answer of not doing anything and avoiding people or situations.
Here is an example:
I had a chance to go to Walt Disney World in Florida one summer as an intern for school. I singed up and got accepted. It was going to pay minimum wage and have my room and board taken directly out of my pay check. While I was there I would be in monorail operations and attend classes. They had buses to take you to town if you needed things and you lived 4-8 to a suite. With all that described, I ultimately didn't go. It was based on three parts, one was on getting down there, second were the bills that I had accumulated at the time and had to be paid, and general felling of how would people accept me down there.
Let us take part one, getting down there. The first option, and the one I was rooting for was, was driving my car driving down there. With that came the following issues. One is gas money, the cost to get there and back and to run around down there. Two, maintenance and break downs. Back then I would have my father and I fix my car, being that far away, it wouldn't be feasible. What if it is stolen? What if it is Damaged? Etc. So, what other ways to get down there. We could fly. Well you would have to plan two one way tickets there and back. The second you would have to plan while you are there because you could be asked to stay on for a second semester. Well then there is the price. They aren't cheap. Would I have enough saved to pay for the second ticket home. Plus how would I get from the airport to Disney. Take a taxi, that would be a fortune. Try to figure out the bus schedule. There are still a lot of variables, but the main one is the money issue, especially for the return trip. This all leads in to bills that need to be paid.
The second main thing holding me back from going to Disney was that of the large amount of bills I had accumulated in my brief but expensive life so far. I was about 20,000 dollars in debt at the time and was barely making the minimum payments for the bills. I racked up all this debt from living with my then fiancée. It was from the both of us living on credit cards and trying to live together without money management. If I only knew then what I know now. I eventually filed for bankruptcy. This is a major NO is the Disney quest that I was on. There would been no way for me to be able to keep up with my bills with being there and everything. I needed my job as a pizza delivery driver to get by. It was a hard money management lesson I had to learn.
The third reason is a more personal reason and has to do with me self esteem. I thought that I wouldn't be able to get along with the roommate that I would have because of a few factors. One, I am not the most organized person in the world. I am organized through chaos. But a lot of guys my age are like that so that may not have been as big of an issue at I thought. Secondly would be my biggest hurdle, and that would be my size and the way most people I think people react to it. At least form the mind of a 20 year old. I thought they would not accept me and not include me in going out or going into the part for recreation and stuff. I just thought they wouldn't let me be their friend. It was a hard thing for me growing up and at the time, trying to make good and close friends so that is why this made me not go to Disney.
So as you can see my thought pattern in that it follows an algorithm. I look at things that I want to do and the options to get them done, and see if they pass the yes no algorithm. In this case, and in most cases it seems, that it always fails to not doing what I would like to see happen. You should see it when I apply it to relationships. Sometime I get into the algorithm to a fault and I will just go into seeing what should happen if a happen do they react b or c. Well if b well continue, if c stop. Sometimes I get ahead of my self and I start looking at it days, weeks, months, and sometimes even what years of decisions would bring. It is this kind of thinking that gets me in trouble, because I think I see where everything is going to go and most of the time it leads to a bad end in my mind. I think that is because that is where mostly all my relationships have lead to.
At any rate, can I keep applying the algorithm decision making process to my life. Most of the time it has lead to me not doing what I most wished because of this way of making decisions. But the real question is, do I have the fortitude to make decisions with out my decision making process I have leaned on all my life.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
The past year has been one of weirdness and setbacks. I went from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. Where to start. I guess the beginning is always a good place.
Well it really starts back in the end of 2007. I came to Andover Village Retirement Center (AVRC) for rehab for my paralysis. I chose here because they have been featured on Discover Health Channel as being equipped for bariatric and I thought since they handle them for rehab and weight loss, that I would get the best rehab chances here. Well things were going good and I even got to being able to get up and stand in the parallel bars for 30 seconds by the time March came. This is also when progress stopped.
I developed nasty wounds on the bottom of my heals and had to stop standing. I developed them from having my feet rest right on the foot pedals with no shoe on because I had an order for no shoes from Hillside when I had the wounds on the back of my ankles. Well, by May I was discharged from therapy because I couldn't stand because of them, and I wasn't making enough progress with the other therapy like the electro shocks and stuff to keep me on.
By June, the wound on my left foot had healed, but my right foot had broken open and had started to tunnel in. It may have done this from the lack of the proper footwear to keep pressure off it, or miss management of the wound by the wound care nurse. At any rate, you could smell the decaying flesh and the whole went all the way to the bone. I ended up in the hospital by the end of July over it. I was on IV antibiotics for it and had to get a gamma scan to see how deep the infection was.
I went back to AVRC, I had a pick line in my arm for the IV that I got three times a day. But it never felt right. It kept hurting from the time I got it in till the third week when it was red and puss and irritated. Here I got a infection in Arm. It was called the super A bug. It is only found in contaminated hospital equipment. It needed 2 IV a day. So I was getting 5 a day for two weeks. Then on top of that, I got to go into the hyperbaric chamber.
Yes, for eight weeks, got to get hauled out of AVRC to go to St Joe's to get put into a tube. Then It was pressurized with oxygen to 3 atmospheres, it was like being 66 feet underwater. It made my ears pop and sometimes gave me a panic attack and have low blood pressure. There were no radios, newspapers, books, video games, nothing was allowed in with you. Because if you create static electricity in a pure oxygen atmosphere and make it spark, it will explode. So all I could do is watch TV. They had one mounted over the tube. I got to watch the stock market crash first, then see a good republican candidate blow it.
Well once my foot was healed and I was out of hyperbarics, it was the second week of November. I got back into therapy with some new goals. One was to have my legs pointing back towards the ceiling. The second was to get me to walk. We'll deal with the second one first.
In order to walk, we were going to install a new plan to put cerebral palsy braces on my knees and ankles and use the hip muscles that were working to swing the legs. This requires a few steps and wounds free feet. Well we may have wait a while for that because I have developed new wounds from goal one.
To get my feet pointing back to the ceiling they got these boots to put on my feet that were made from metal and plastics and padding. Well the pressure on the back of my feet caused me to get two new wounds, one on each posterior heal. So now I have to wait for them to heal in order to start with the braces. Until then they are going to work on crawling on the mat and everything to try to strengthen my hips so I can do it. It sucks.
This has been the year of the wound, and the year of set backs. It is ending though and I reasons to believe that the next year will be better than the last. It has been long and hard, and I hope that the 2009 is better than 2008 and 2007. I am not sure I can take it if it gets any worse. For the up coming year, I hope to lose the catheter, start getting bariatric surgery and be walking come 2010. I hope by this blog next year I'll be able to say, I am home, I'm walking, I'm seeing someone, and life is good. I may have set my goals a little high for what has been my life but we'll see.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Today I was reading the news on what is going on in the world today and have come to the realization that our country fears it citizens and are trying everything to keep us down. They have just passed a law in the house and the senate that would let us pick up any person, who is suspected of being a terrorist, arrests them, detain them with out trial, and execute them with out a trial. The worse thing about this law, it doesn't exclude citizens from this bill. If any one is arrested the can detain you with cause and trial if they feel like it....This, with the home land security bill past in 2002 and the restrictions put on us by the airlines about what you can and cannot bring on the plane.
In major cities now you can’t smoke anywhere in the cities. In New York City, the people who got smoking band from restaurants and 50 feet in front of any public buildings, now they are trying to pass legestration that will outlaw all restaurants to use grease that have trans-fatty acids in it. This is outrageous of them to do this. They are saying that they are right for doing this because they are sighting findings that in the three years that smoking has been banned that the health of the average New Yorker has gotten better. But the thing of it is that smoking can affect everyone because smoke goes everywhere, when you eat though you are the only one who is being harmed. You know that you are eating this food. It is your responsibility to for your own body. You should know that this is what you are eating.
This world is going to hell in a hand basket if shit like this gets enacted in to law. If they keep pushing us around like this in like they better be ready for the people to push back. But you know by me posting this the government can arrest me and through me in jail and be never heard from again…. Great ….
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Why are we nervous around certain people? Why is it we are sometime anxious when we tell a person that we want to go out with them or like them? We are all just people. In the end we are just people.
I have been dealing with this issue for a while with being able to show my true feelings towards people. I put on an outward act to hide the real person inside of me. Recently I was talking to this nice girl whom I work with and was going along nice and I found her interesting. I want to ask her for her number and see if she wanted to hang out but I wasn’t able to. Some how, when came to do that, I failed.
When I look back on it, I was afraid. Afraid of rejection is what I told my self, but that wasn’t it. I believe it was fear that she would say yes. That I what I believe I was really afraid of. Afraid of letting someone in to my life and change it irrevocably. That I my biggest fear in that situation because most of my one on one encounters in life are that of an arms length biases. I joke, I kid, I make of handed comments and use a lot of sarcasm, but rarely I let my self be exposed to anyone. I put on a thick skin. I think this is because of my past life experiences.
Now that I am able to see what the problem is how am I going to over come it. That is the big problem. How do you fix something that is broke when the thing that is broke is will power fear and confidence? How do you let your self be exposed when you spend most of your time keeping that part of you; that deep part way down inside; from the world. Can you put fear and apprehension aside and jump in to the deep end of the emotional pool, or start in the kiddies’ end and work your way in? Also, how do you start in the kiddies’ end? These are all questions I am pondering.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Because, God as we call it, was developed by man. In My opinion. I look at the whole God situation as a development of the human mind made out our deep spring and feeling of hope. We want to god to be there because we want to feel safe. With knowing that there is a big man in the sky that will watch over you and protect you from harm is an illogical assumption that we all make. It is proven by the saying that god loves us all. But if that is true then why does he let there be famine and illness and cancer and such. If there was a god that loved us and wanted us to be happy then why where there such things as the holocaust and 9/11. If god loved us then he would protect us from that wouldn't he. But then the believers say, "Oh, that's just God's will." So it is God's Will to kill us and maim us and send massive amount of people to their deaths for his sheer enjoyment. They say it is to make a challenge for us to over come. Bull. Things happen for no other reason that things happen. If I were to get in my car right now and get into an accident. It isn't Gods will that it happened. It just happens.
I would also like to add a few other views on people who are religion pushers. These people are the people who you meet in life (and you know who they are) who want to push there beliefs and views on to you. These people can mainly be found on college campuses and other mass gatherings of people. I have thought about what to say about these people for a long time and have finally come up with the most logical comparison. They are like drug dealers.
Now I know that you are thinking that I am out of my mind but think about what a drug dealer does. He is always pressuring you in to trying it just once claiming that you will like it and that. When you try to tell them how drugs will hurt you (or try to tell them your interpolation of the bible or views on religion and spirituality) you are always wrong and try to talk over or louder thinking that will give them the edge in the conversation or just stop talking to you all together. Then they get you with the peer pressure. They tell you about how others are doing it and how they have found "a higher spiritual plane of enlightenment."
The one thing they have over the drug dealer is that if you get caught doing drugs you can go to jail or fined, if you do have religion or go to church than you are going to go to hell. I love it. They want to say that their god is all powerful and loving but you need to worship him or you'll be punished. It sounds like someone with a self centered egomaniac complex. Is their god really that conceited that he would do that?
Now he is the 64000 dollar question. If he is the almighty god and is the one and only god, they what about other religions, are their gods any less mighty or any less benevolent. I mean come on, if there is an afterlife do you think that someone is going to a different god or a different plane of existence, or according to some pushers, they burn in hell. So you god is so hateful that he would put some one in hell for being brain washed at birth like your followers are here, and unable to form an independent thought outside of religion or lack the mental fortitude to question it, they cast them right in the pit of fire. That is kind of ignorant to think guys. Its the kind of things that start wars.......
I say that we know nothing about what happens next and we should all just chill the fuck out. So I will leave you with this. Believe in what you want to believe. Just remember it is what you feel in your heart and the ideas in your head about your life that are going to shape and guild you in all your event and endeavors in this world.
Friday, June 16, 2006
First I have to give you a back story. On the 5th I had an interview with a company called Edgepark Surgical. It was about a 90 minute interview and went very good but I thought that they would never call me back because of my lack of experience.
I got a call from them on Wednesday and today I went to a follow up interview that went pretty good too. They said they will let me know. Well later on I had an interview with a company called West Technologies. They are kind of like the place I worked at before, High call volume low pay.
So I am going to work at West for now. I hope that Edgepark Surgical calls because It seems to be a better job and a place where I can get things back to normal and get on track.
It has been a long struggle this past month and a half. I moved from Columbus to Cleveland and live with my aunt and had to go back home to Youngtown to get a job. Life is strange. When you think that everything is going great and you just start to relax if throws you a curve ball. It keeps you on your game.
I wonder what it will throw at me next.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Well folks, I have moved to
I will give you guys more updates as they come.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
1.) People are assholes. On every level. I have found in the Tech support field is that the more degrees and titles some one achieves in life the dumber they become when it comes to simple things and problem solving. I have talked too on numerous occasion that Doctors, Lawyers and other professionals have no clue on to what a computer is or how to follow basic instructions to help them.
2.) Living on my own is a bitch. I have gone from having some money and having nothing in days from my fucking truck breaking down.
3.) Some People can't take a joke. You people know who you are. Get over your self. Nobody likes a party pooper. You are all out of your minds. Comeback to earth.
4.) The older I get the more alcohol I can consume. Nuff said.
5.) The older, the more I come to realization that Life is short and I need to get on track. We all need to change our own lives to the way that we want it. And I have heard a great quote from a man who lived 100 years ago. "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." Leo Tolstoy (1828 - 1910). We all need to keep this in mind when we start to bitch about the world.
There are some other things that I have thought of but these are the big five. Let me know what you think.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
As you all know I currently work at Nationwide Insurance doing IT support. It has been part-time for now. I had a great interview at a place called Cardinal Health. I am hoping to get in there because one of my best friends here in C-bus works there. I hope he puts a good word in for me but I don't think I need it because I usually give a great interview. I am going to find out tomorrow.
For money I have been trying my hand at selling stuff at flea markets for my mom. I have been setting up shop at the one on west broad street right before 270. I am selling ribbon and scrap booking supplies. I feel kind of gay but I need the money. I am also trying to get my own vendors license so I can sell advertising on my webpage www.reasontodie.com.
Life has pretty much sucked though for the last four months since I got fired from Calltech. You all know that story. I am counting down the months until the lease is up here and I can move out and up to Cleveland, the city that I love. I can't wait to go there. I have family up there. I am closer to home. My two favorite teams are in Cleveland, The Browns and the Indians. Plus my long time friend Matt Wilkes. We go way back all the way to sixth grade. I hope maybe I can get a job up there for like National City, or medical mutual tech support because everyone has computer problems. When I first move up there I am going to be staying with my Aunt Brenda for a while.
But that is a few months away.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
I am one of the biggest Star Wars Fans in the world. But please George, give it a rest. You have totally fucked up the series from all of your bad plot lines and changing the entire premise of the story.
Here is a list of how Lucas has Fucked up:
1.) The force went from Spiritual to a Medical condition. Yes, midichlorians. Good fucking job. You ruin the force as a part of the spiritual realm by giving it a scientific and medical explanation. Good Job.
2.) Darth Vader and Misses Robinson. Did any body get that Anakin was ten years younger than Padame in the first episode and then ten years later they are the same age.
3.) Piss Poor Story telling. Episode One should of had introduced Anakin as a teenager and they should have started the clone wars in the first episode. Episode 2 should have been all clone wars and the development of Anakin and the introduction of Padame. Also, this is were they should have showed him starting to turn, which he did do with the Sand People, but could have done better say he destroy an entire planet to smash the separatist from the order of the Palpatine. Then he would be removed from major conflict to learn under Palpatine and make the turn more dramatic. Which leads to number 4.
4.) Anakin's decent to the dark side was way too fast. So all it takes to turn some one to the dark side is to make him think that his wife is going to die and get him to kill the head Jedi in a moment of weakness. As I said above, they should have made Anakin start to turn way earlier in the series so when it comes to the time for his final act to push him over the edge it is more believe able. To turn him over the edge I would have had him come up from behind Mace and stab him through the heart instead of yelling and chopping off his hand. It would have been a colder and darker moment. Then Have him accept what he did and make him realize that he has embraced the dark side instead of making him cry like a bitch.
5.) Finally the worst thing I think Lucas did was make Jar Jar Binks. At this point in this post it is purely superficial, but who else wished he would have been ran over and killing when he appeared in the episode 1. I for one did. Even worse is that George stung his ass along and made him responsible for the clone wars starting. With his famous opening My Dellow Felegates.
Perhaps I am just babbling on here but I needed to get this off of my chest when I heard that the TV show was actually going to happen. I pray to Yoda himself that George doesn't write a word in this series and that it stays on track with episode 4.
Any ways I hate being up so late knowing that I have to go to work tomarrow. I guess this is what I get for being sick. I have gotten past the up chucking but still have linguring effects. I wish everything would return to normal.
Tomarrow is going to be a hell of a day. I have to work from 9-1 and then go to time warner for an inter view at 230. I am going to be dog tired come the end of the day.
On a lighter note, I hope to buy a dog soon. Mans best friend. It is pretty lonely in my apartment and it would be great to get a dog. I am thinking about getting someting like a sheppard or something along those lines. It will be great.
remember to check out my web site www.reasontodie.com.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
That is all I have to say for now
visit my forums at reasontodie.com
Monday, February 13, 2006
I recently had an interview with a staffing company for an IT consultant/ analyst position. The interview was going good. We where having a great conversation about what I have done and where I have worked. It was one of the best interviews I have ever gone through.
At about the end of the interview he said that I need to take a test on Windows 2000 and Windows XP, Operating Systems. I was a little taken aback. A surprise test. I was like okay lets do it, not to show a reservations about it. He said that there is a curve. Just take you time and let me know when you are done.
I went to go take this test. It found it to rather frustrating at times with its all of the above answers. I knew the correct answer of what works all the time on the commands but didn’t know the back up answers. Let me give you an example.
One question was "How do you bring up task manager.”The answers where 1) CTRL+ALT+ DELETE 2)CTRL+SHIFT+ESCAPE 3)A way through control panel 4)
All of the above.
I answered 1, because of two reasons. I wasn’t sure of 3 because I have never had to go through that way, and I know that 1 will always get you to where you need to be for if.
I got the question wrong
There were many of these questions. When it was all said and done I got a 36% of XP and 56% on 2000. They were both 10% under the average. I was like It was just a test and I nailed the advanced portions on the test. The interviewer said yes but the people he was going to give my application to wanted intermediate level employees.
So now I talk to my friends who he got jobs for all had lower scores that I had. Now I am not sure why the recruiter said that to me. If this was actual requirement then how did my friends get jobs the place he was recruiting for? So I am snubbed again.
When will the world get off of their test = performance rationale. This is one of things that I think are holding us back in today’s society.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
As the year comes to an end I have a few questions about my future.
1.) When are you going to be done with school? Well, until I pay off OSU, I am done for now. I hope to be able to go back to OSU or transfer to CSCC.
2.) Are you going to try to get a better job? That is a more difficult question to answer. I applied for SOD at Calltech but got a letter saying I had too many points. After I got that straighten out, they put my name back in the pool for SOD but I am not holding my breath. I have also applied with a few other places but the best prospect is opening my own business.
3.) What about a girlfriend? (This is the biggest question my parents have.) Well I am taking it slow right now. I work the third shift right now so it makes it hard to go out. Also I am financially strapped. This means I am broke. I hope that this will turn around soon but only time will tell.
4.) What about your weight? Ok. Everyone knows I am a big guy which is probably part of the problem with question number three. I am going to be making some hard strides starting at the first of the year.
Well folks these are the only question that really stick out to right now. I hope to answer more soon.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Now, I am not blaming the people in
Some of these people will say that the labor market in these far off destinations are cheaper and saves money for them. Since there is no tariff on this service it is more economical to have some one around the world try to explain how to fix the computers, internet, what have you. They work for about a considerable of a percentage less than that of people here in the
The first reason is because of the poverty that has infected the population of these country and they can be pinpointed to many different reasons from over population and lack of reproduction controls, to the miss management of government infrastructure or bad social policies. With over population issues in most of the out sourcing companies, this is one of the contributing factors. With so many people there is a need for work. The immense size of the population has put a heavy strain on the economy. They need to take any job that comes along. An issue with overpopulation is that f a lack of education. So when companies come over here they first try to hire those who have an education, weather they got in Indian of were students in the good old
The second reason is of a direct lack of jobs in these countries. Not many jobs exist. Many are temporary and hard work. Getting a job in a call center would have to a near miriceal for there families. An equivalent would be someone who was homeless one day and the next was offered a job, money and roof over there head. So when some one gets this job they are willing to work for less because they know the importance of it. It is a matter of living on the street or in a room.
The third reason is that of the cost of living. Yes, this has more to do with it than people think. In these countries the cost of living is far less than here in the
One is that homeless people that the company says they are helping and that we hear so much about are being replaced by someone in this country. Yes, people with college degrees are having there jobs yanked away in the name of economic sense and told sorry, have to save money. These people are now in a spot of trying to look for another job in their field only to find that most of the jobs in their field are gone, and the ones still left here in the states are not hiring and are in the process of moving their jobs as well. This outsourcing has created social and economical problems. Our government, I feel has done little for the American worker in the past 6 years except make it easier for businesses to grow and rape the economy.
The standard of living here in
The government is as much to blame as these corporate devils. With treaties like NAFTA and participating in the WTO and eliminating tariffs for these things, it has paved the way for these companies to bail on the
They are more than likely not going to come here. They are more likely to go directly over seas and start out there and total by pass
Saturday, July 02, 2005
So the next day I get up and I say hey I think that I am going to have a better day. How could it get worse. I found out that my father was coming to visit. Not for a day but for a week. Let me tell y0u a little thing about me and my dad. We peas in a pod me and him, and not in a good way. People sometimes can't stand the person who is always stubburn and feels that he is always right and needs to have to last word in a conversations. Well that is my dad. He loves to express his opinions, over and over again. like you didn't hear him, the first seven time. I am one of those people who can shrugg off people, but when pushed too far, I sanp back.
So, at any rate, he was down here. So now I have gone from I am going to have a better day today to, PLEASE let it be better than yesterday. Between him and work, it is a toss up of where I would rather be.
My Father went home and all was right in the world and I thought for just for a second tat things are going to be great then, BOOM. WTF. Life throws you for a loop. My truck breaks down. Being the only form of transportation (thosein the same boat will agree.) threw me for a loop. For four days I was trapped. Trapped because in Columbus it is hard to get a cab and they are expensive, and with no car you get stir crazy.
Well I could go on with my crap life. How I have lost money in casinos and how viruses ate my computer, but I think it is time to end it. I can leave with this parting statement. With all the time that I had a girlfriend and through I was going to get married, All of those problems see so much more trivial then the stuff I am going throught now. Not because these things are coming at a much quicker rate, it is that I have to go through them alone. Atleast with a girlfriend I had some one to go through with it with me and was some one I could count on and could expect them to help out.
Monday, October 25, 2004
This was a big win for the Buck after dropping three staight in the Big Ten, which was the first time since 1988. Though the buckeyes have been looking very anemic over the last few weeks, they came alive this week.
Hopefuuly this won't be the end to the Bucks success and they take on Penn State at the Shoe.
The Browns loss a close one to the Eagles this weekends game. It took over time to get an outcome, but it was not to be. This was the first loss at home this year. It was still a great game though showing that the Browns are not to be over looked in this league.
With the injury to Andre Davis and the trade of Morgan to the Cowboys, it was time for Dennis Northcutt to take the spot light. Northcutt in his starting debut had 70 yards on 4 catches. Aaron Shea and Steve Hieden combined for 9catches, 87 yards and a touchdown for the two tight-ends. Also the running backs both came in and had a touchdown apiece.
Some of the areas that the Browns need to work on is picking up the blitz a little better and need to hold on to the ball on offence. Two fumbles on kick returns will help you lose games in the NFL. On defense the browns need to get the pass rush better. McNabb was getting 4 to 5 seconds to throw the ball. That will lead to bad things down the road.
With the by-week this week the Browns can get some rest and let some injuries heal and work on their game because they get thrown to the fire going to
Saturday, October 23, 2004
The Eagles come in to this game with a 5-0 record and boast on of the best quarterback wide receiver combos in the league with Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens. They also have the nimble Brain Westbrook in the backfield. The Browns on defense this year has been grate at home stopping Jamel Lewis in week one and shutting down the Bangles last week.
The Browns on offense finally scored a first quarter touchdown on a 99 yard pass play from Garcia to Andre Davis. It tied a record for the seventh time for a 9 yard pass play in history. The brown went on to also score two more time in that half and won the game. Even though they won the game, they still need to hold on to the ball. The Browns are at -1 for the year and sit at 3-3. Garcia is still trying to work out with the center exchange and the kinks in the game.
If the Browns can keep it close and not turn the ball over, they should be able to win on Sunday.
The other positives was that for the first time with this squad is that they were in the middle of playoff race in both the division and wild card in to late August and early September. This was a great learning experience that will only help them over time. For the Tribe this was the first time since the second week in April in 2002 that they were over .500 and they were able to hold it until late in to the year.
Trouble areas that the Indians need to work on is there Bullpen. The Indians Bullpen gave up over thirty leads late into games where if the bullpen could of gotten the easy out about half the time the Tribe’s season would still be going. David Riske and Rapheal Beckoncourt need to get more control of the strike zone like they did before getting to Cleveland. With Kaz Tadano coming back off of a season ending injury should come back as a long reliever and spot starter.
The other area that the Tribe needs to work on is closing out games. The Tribe needs to be able to close out games and hold on to leads and also try to score runs when needed. The where way too many base running error committed by the tribe that major league teams shouldn’t do. Also the pitching staff as a hold needs to be able to hold people on bases and prevent them from stealing, also along those lines the catching staff needs to get better at throwing men out. Another issue is that of a Management end of keeping a some what constant batting order. We need to try not to play musical lineups and try to keep the same basic line ups from day to day.
With good pitching, young hitters and a will and ability to win, the future looks good for the Indians and a return to the form from the mid nineties. hopes for a return to the playoffs and world series and try to win their first championship since 1946.
I am starting my second year here at Ohio State. I am Junior and about to be a Senior. I previously attended Youngstown State for several years with the majority of my studies in managment and communications. I have completed such classes as telecommunication, communication technologies, public speaking, communication theory, and history of communication. I have also have had classes in managment, marketing and accounting. I am proficient in word, excel, and powerpoint.
I have been an avid sports fan all of my life. Growing up in northeast Ohio, I grew up in a rich sports environment. In this area of Northeast Ohio and Western Pennsylvania, you couldn't help but to grow up loving sports. In a matter of a 2 hour drive, we could have been in Cleveland for the Indians, Browns, Cav’s, and Lumberjacks; or be in Pittsburgh watching the Penguins, Steelers, Pirates or Panthers. It was just a great place to grow up in. I hope that when I am done with school I will be able to translate my love for sports in to a career.
Currently I am working at Calltech Communication in Columbus Ohio, where I am a DSL Technition. What I do is answer phone calls from customers and help to solve there issue and get them back on-line and happy with their service.
Well I hope that this bring a little insite to who I am. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to email me.